Coronavirus – Day 2: Walmart

I should have listened to Stacey last week.

I had no choice. I had to go to Walmart in Hudson. Toilet paper needed hoarding. I parked the Escalade in the crowded lot and headed urgently to the wipes section. As I approached the paper products aisle I almost got mowed down by a large ass crack dressed in Marlins sweats driving his automated wheelchair. I got in the toilet paper line behind him as the Walmart greeter loaded the shelf with Charmin Ultra.

The lines looked like it was fresh potato day back in the USSR. I really hoped that smell was coming from above wheelchair dudes waist but there was no way to tell. I couldn’t do it. Pride and snobbery kicked in and I left the line tissue free. I drove on and additionally tried Hannafords in New York and LaBonnes in Connecticut. Interstate ass wipe smuggling may soon be outlawed. Nothing – Wipe Out!

I’m going to make a TP bid on eBay tonight.

So if I learned one thing this week, it’s that when everything’s going to shit invest in toilet roll.

Score ! I got the last six standard sandpaper style Scotts in a dilapidated gas station on Route 22. The cash register girl accused me of hoarding. Tough shit, I thought.

So, on to some recommendations.

If you are looking for that one, big, lose yourself completely read, I’m pushing my favorite book. Lonesome Dove is the epic story of a cattle drive from Texas to Montana. Larry Mc Murtry’s Pulitzer Prize winner is page turning magnificent.

Then watch the mini-series as a binger. Robert Duvall still lists this as his favorite role. Every guy wants to be Agustus McCrae. No mini series will ever touch this cast. It is that great.

Which would segue into my highest of movie recommendations for Network (Amazon/ITunes). This is one of the all time greatest screenplays and a concept that has only grown in relevance since this 1976 classic was made. Peter Finch won the first posthumous Oscar for acting. Duvall is a nasty piece of work in a supporting role. Watch out for that closing shot stolen/borrowed for last years Joker. It’s a masterpiece.

There are certain movies that no one is going to describe as just alright. They’ll be considered the greatest film of the year or the worst piece of shit by each viewer. I still have friends curse me for recommending Midsommar (Amazon). I’ll just say, you’re wrong. It was fabulous.

The Lighthouse (On Demand) is that movie. It’s a crazy two man show with Willem Defoe and Robert Pattinson isolated in full maniac mode. Shot in old school framing and B&W the movie has elements of Frankenstein; The Shining; The Shape of Water ( they share fish fucking) and, in the final moments , Pulp Fiction. I’ve never seen a seagull beaten to death before and that’s not close to the oddest scene.

I can’t promise you’ll like it but I can promise you’ll not see another film like it.

I’d argue that Pattinson is the best actor of his generation (see The Rover – iTunes). More Pattinson tomorrow……