I drove 320 miles across Illinois and Iowa today, in the quest to find the world’s largest garden gnome. If the price is right I will pick it up for a good friend of mine, who has an odd fetish for these things.

Had some interesting news on the Blog front, from Ireland. My Mother has learned how to post comments. Maree celebrated her 80th a few weeks ago and is mastering the new smart phone we gifted her. Now I cannot lie or exaggerate on my Site or I’ll hear that I’m full of Blarney. Rather, full of shit. My Mother would never say Blarney.

It was a quick in and out at the Holiday Inn Express. Fast, functional, bland & soulless. This location was beside some kind of Bass Fishing Outlet. I will avoid HIE from here on in.

Zion coffee on Adams Street, Peoria is a sunny, bright hangout in a funky industrial looking neighborhood. Very good cappuccino and they had an extremely tasty egg on avocado sourdough toast. Again, a very welcoming staff.

They also confirmed my choice of a  local destination in Peoria. I went to see Vania.

Vania

Vania & Visitor

Vania, the female version of the Muffler Man has her clothes removed each summer to indicate the beginning of pool season.

Authors note: I will not be taking any food photos on this journey. There will just be lots of pictures of my big head with stuff behind.

It was a glorious day for a cross state drive and again avoiding the highways, where possible, the road brought me through a lot of small towns, as I’d hoped. All this flat open country is unique for me and I had a radiant cloud free day to take it all in.

Fort Madison Cinema

L’il Red Shed

Mississippi Jailer’s View

After crossing the Mississippi at Fort Madison, I came upon the Iowa State Penitentiary. On taking the drive around and above the jail, I got some beautiful broad vistas of the bridge and river.  Those turnkeys sure get a lot of light in their homes.

Iowa State Penitentiary

Wrong Turn Somewhere?

Hanna City

Digital Camera

Fort Madison is also the home of the Original Wallyburger, it would seem. It was closed today, so I missed out. Much like New Yorkers identify themselves as true New Yorkers on knowing the address of the Original Ray’s Pizza, Iowan’s take the same pride of ownership in knowing the location of The Original Wallyburger. Or “The Knowledge” as it is commonly referred to locally.

I also happened on the American Gothic House, right next door to the middle of nowhere. It looks like the old couple is hitting hard times based on the shape of their old homestead. Hubby Hank probably had to hock his pitchfork.

American Gothic House

American Gothic & Friend

Eight hours rambling later, and here I am in Ames, Iowa at the Gateway Hotel.

On an excellent recommendation from Sarah O‘Leary at reception I went to dinner at Wallaby’s. It’s Not Australian, despite the name. The Fish and Chips tasted very good, though I was hungry enough to eat the hind leg of the lamb of Christ after all the travelling.

The staff at Wallaby’s gave me a huge warm Ohio welcome. The three upstairs are hardworking Iowa State Students. Dalton is studying Business; Bree – Studio Arts and Emma – Event Planning. They really all made for a fun evening, at the end of a very long driving day.

Chris the manager and an 8 year Army veteran, was kind enough to take the photo with his much better camera than mine.

The random song that came on at the exactly the right time today on the road: “I Ran” – Flock of Seagulls. The ultimate 80’s song and haircuts.

Tomorrow I will hunt the gnome.

The Price Tag:

Hotel: $105 with a few dollars off on Hotels Tonight
Gas: $43
Dinner: $16

Game Day. What do I wear?

This morning I wished I knew more about football. Three players and their extremely nice coach got in the elevator with me. Because I watched Last Chance U and had learned the game day jacket and tie tradition I figured out quickly, they were players. The jackets and the fact they looked like earthquakes. They could not have been more gracious with this annoying Paddy. Good luck whichever team!

The concierge at the DoubleTree recommended Peggs for breakfast. I googled Pigs relentlessly for directions. I found the place eventually. These accents.

Peggs: They gave me the worst seat in the house. It’s a hopping local breakfast favorite and I just beat the waits. My omelet was delicious, the coffee passable and the very young staff couldn’t have been nicer.

More books bought today. I talked a bit with Jim Linty working the counter at Idle Hours Bookstore, another grand little spot. Jim, of Polish descent, helps out his daughter out at her store weekends. I unnecessarily bought The Boat, first edition, the basis for Das Boot, the greatest and most accurate submarine movie ever made. Never realized it was based on a book. Someone has to keep these independent bookstores breathing.

Elisa & Phil

Jim Lintey

I chatted for a good stretch with Elisa and Phil Kukirlski while waiting for the game shuttle from the Hotel. Again, coincidentally, they were well traveled in Galway. Phil is a 1970 grad but it was Elisa’s first home game. They were kind enough to verse me in game day events and traditions and walk me the right direction for Touchdown Jesus.

Phil, retired from journalism in Rhode Island, versed me in the history of ND and how marketing and football turned around the fortunes of what was a lesser school. Elisa proudly told me about their world traveler daughter Tina, Executive Director of Art21 in NYC, and Tina was previously a curator at The Whitney. Tina is also an executive for Art on the 21st Century on PBS. I will give it a watch. I think I got the details right.

One of the game management crew informed me on the sly that ND don’t well against teams that wear red. I called my bookie.

After watching the team and band arrive to the stadium, I took a walk around the impressive Snite Museum since it was right there. The Mexican/Mayan/Olmec Dragon and the Goddess exhibit were worth a peek as was the hall of old masters. I found the Lynch Fragments pieces oddly appealing. University College Galway has faded posters of the doors and bars of Ireland and a couple of old Boomtown Rats flyers.

I’m so well rounded. I’m all cultured and sporty today.

Pre-Kick Off: AC/DC and Dropkick Murphys blaring  through the stadium speakers and some eejit jigging around dressed as a leprechaun. I’m all in! How much does that poor little gobshite of a leprechaun get paid? Tell me it’s not some destitute student volunteer.

OK. Let me retract on the “I’m all sporty” claim. I got antsy and left before the second half. All in all a delightful experience but I wanted to put more miles on the clock.

Kyle Loopy, a 25 year old local, stopped me to talk as I walked back from the stadium. He told me to always remember him and assured me of two things.

1. He’s the nicest guy I will every meet.
2. He’s got the dumbest fucking name in the world.

Noted Kyle. Next beer is on me.

I walked the two miles from the stadium, back to the parked Escalade, then drove the 240 miles to Peoria, IL. Part of this leg I traveled on Historic Route 66, historic in that it has not been repaved since 1966 judging by the look and feel of it. It was a gray, rainy drive but I got to see a lot of open countryside again, via the back roads.

Random song that picked me up when I hit a four hour driving wall: “Relax” – Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

I last minute checked in online again at the Holiday Inn Express, Peoria at 11 PM. I’ve no particular reason to be here besides the fact its further west.

With limited, late options available I did some fine dining at Prime Steakburger, home of the #1 Rated Zagat Milkshake. Not a lot of Zagat voters in the joint that I could make out. I smell like a deep fat fryer.

Very good burger though.

Top Milkshake

South Bend Ape

First College Game

The Tally:
Hotel: $145 Expensive Hotel Day – Peoria must be popular on Saturday Nights. A few dollars off on Hotel Tonight.
Dinner: $6.35
Gas: $39

Now that Indiana is in my rear-view here are my film and book favorites set there:

Books:
Crimes in Southern Indiana (Short Stories. I avoided Southern Indiana after reading it) &
Underground Airlines (not to be confused with the also excellent Underground Railroad released the same year)

Movies:
A History Of Violence (Viggo Mortessen’s best role)
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Natural Born Killers
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
A Christmas Story

I’d be remiss not to mention Hoosiers but its a bit too nice for me. It was called Best Shot back in Ireland. We’d have thought Hoosiers was about a vacuum cleaner salesman or something. Dennis Hopper should have been nominated for Blue Velvet in 1986, not this! Now that’s my kind of film!

I was accosted by a Chatty Gluten Free lady, pre coffee this morning, at the lobby breakfast buffet. Margo pointedly skipped the pancakes but had no problem with the eggs and bacon. And eggs and bacon. No problem at all. Can you believe the Doctor told her just right before last Christmas about her gluten ailment?

The Fighting Irish throng ate breakfast like it was their last night on death row. The food was good; the coffee had slightly more flavor than water; the staff remarkably friendly, even busing tables.

And yes, I went for another food free for all. But it was bright and nicely situated in the lobby area and there was nowhere else close. I caved.

Those deodorants that get white powdery shit all over your t-shirts should be banned.

“Pump it up” – Elvis Costello, as I drove to see the Notre Dame Campus. A good song to kick off the day.

Barbara at The Bookstore, in South Bend, taught me my first lesson of the day. There are no books in The Bookstore.  But I did buy a leprechaun key ring and a Notre Dame baseball cap so I’m an official fan now.

Barbara told me her family was originally from Brooklyn. She had an Uncle who drove his Studebaker back there from IN each summer. The old Brooklyn, as she put it (pre the man bun-vape-types). The old NY neighbors thought he was coming back loaded – he wasn’t. Barbara felt we all end up in the place we should be in life. Hers is South Bend.

Notre Dame today was my first ever college campus. Pretty spectacular. It’s a teeny bit bigger than the grounds of University College Galway, maybe bigger than Galway.  I took a full walk around.

With my lousy sense of direction, I hitched a golf cart ride to try and snag a game ticket and was fortunate to share the ride with John and Marilyn Mackie, in from coal country, Pottsville, PN. John, a youthful 76, is a Fighting Irish fan as long as he can remember.  The couple try and get in for a week in the season each year and bookend a couple of games.  Their granddaughter is currently a student.

John had met some of the original Molly Maguire families and had great stories to share. He also gave me a couple of good book recommendations on the topic. My only point of reference was the Sean Connery/Richard Harris film.

The Brunellis

John & Marilyn Mackie

Notre Dame

John had worked as steam fitter and welder in Manhattan. He was there in 1962 for three and a half years.  As one of their son’s had studied a semester in Galway (and is now a professor at Boston University) they had traveled to, and were familiar with Galway. They had taken photos of the bronze bust of JFK in Eyre Square, my father’s work.  So we had my two home towns, NYC & Galway,  in common.

I had a nice chat with the Brunelli family, also in from Pennsylvania (Lancaster). They try and get in for a game every year. They were nice enough to take a couple of snaps for me,

The enthusiasm at Notre Dame today being so infectious is why I decided I had to stay and see this game.  Route 66 Westward was the initial plan for the day.

A very good friend and Michigan grad (as is my wife) recommended I visit Cereal City, in Battle Creek Michigan on my bizarre Museum quest. It turns out it closed down in 2007. She’s a bit of a flake (Yes!  A Dad Joke!).

Cereal Joke: my father was eaten alive by a crocodile. Snap. Crackle. No Pop.

So, instead of cornflake exhibits, I traveled to South Haven. It’s an exquisite little summer vacation town with a landmark red lighthouse and attractive beaches. South Haven is the first family vacation venue my wife ever went to with her parents and sister. Who says I’m not sentimental?

The Cure tee was a big hit as conversation starter today, more so than other concert shirts. Guess we Cure fans are cultish.

Black River Books was a fun find with a wonderful stock of used books. Because I do not need another book I snagged a first edition hardcover copy of John Le Carre’s , The Little Drummer Girl.  Pam, a retired mental health worker and her husband Dick, a retired Pastor, are the owners. They took the thousands of books they had accumulated over the years in Florida and opened their wonderful book store in South Haven, 12 years ago. There’s little I enjoy more than talking books with people that love books.

I grabbed a drink on The Idler Riverboat. It’s a lively, boat deck bar but had an auspicious menu and not the cleanest looking bogs. Instead, I had my first perch sandwich for dinner at The Black River Waterfront Bar. It had a hopping local atmosphere and the food was exactly what I would have expected.

South Haven Lighthouse

Not on my armpits

Digital Camera

Then back to South Bend.

So I scored a ticket for tomorrow’s Notre Dame Game. This will be my first ever college football game. They are playing some other team.  I’m ready with my green cap.

The Tally:

Gas : $48

Hotel: $135 (Yet another Hotel Tonight success. I’m in the Doubletree near Notre Dame pre-game. The rooms are listed on Travelocity for $411)

Dinner: $11

Notre Dame Game Ticket: $75

Baseball Cap: $37 (but is a collector’s item and 5 panel)

It was pointed out on my comments that I missed two Road Movie Goodies on my List.

Priscilla Queen of The Desert:  Hilarious, cross-dressing bus trip across the Australian outback. This was an Oscar winner for the over the top costumes.

Down By Law:  An oddball, neo-beat comedy  from the always interesting Jim Jarmusch.

“Where’s me gold? Where’s me gold?”

Time to track down that scrappy leprechaun. I’m in South Bend, Indiana.

Seven years ago I would have gotten to know every bartender as I crossed the country. Now I’m getting to meet every barista. Seven years ago I’d have seen two states: Drunk and Hungover.

Boom town, Sandusky on one of the main drags is where I went for my morning coffee surge. The staff was hugely welcoming. I chatted with the girls behind the counter and Cristina, a local stylist for Stichfix. All three ladies helped me out a lot with travel recommendations and local knowledge. Very good cappuccinos – I stayed for a second.

A very good friend and myself have a long standing competition to find the most bizarre and inane museums. Mine, to date, is the SPAM Museum in Austin, Minnesota. His is the Herring Era Museum in Iceland.

As I was leaving Sandusky I happened on The Merry-Go-Round Museum. How could I not? It’s set in a stately, pillared , converted Post office. Gerry, on the ticket window, started volunteering there when she retired 24 years ago and very kindly gave me the two minute history. The displays at the museum are colorful and cheerful. One of the fun pieces, from the reindeer carousel display, was featured at a Christmas reading in the White House. The centerpiece is full working carousel. I took the token but never took the ride. It had a  Something Wicked This Way Comes vibe plus,  I get motion sickness.

Then 208 miles to South Bend. I took the blue highways as much as google maps would let me and got to see a lot of the back country.

Lesson learned and confirmed today, I do not like fictional audio books. All that D-Lister voicing just gets on my titties. Tried “I am Legend (I am Bob)” and found the reader annoyingly sardonic and the writing juvenile.

So, I went with the two available episodes of Dr. Death (podcast), from the crew behind the exceptional Dirty John. For those that know me, it’s right up my alley. So be warned.

Also on today’s play list, American Kingpin – the story of the modern Silk Road. I’m hooked.

Once again, I last minute booked with Hotel Tonight and scored a great rate and a large suite at The Varsity Clubs of America. Tammy and the girls at the front desk went above and beyond the call of duty getting me well situated and providing lots of local information. Tammy even found me an online national list of oddball museums by State.

Managed to get to the gym at the Hotel today and had the place to myself. A lot of large people peeped in the door.

With the Notre Dame game here Saturday they were looking at crazy money to stay a second night. Someone said they are trying out a new pitcher.

As I’ve now departed Ohio here are my recommendations for books and films based in that State.

Books: Little Fires Everywhere; A Simple Plan; Everything I Never Told You

Films: Silence of the Lambs; Heathers; Lolita (Kubrick original); Chicken People (documentary on the Westminster  of Poultry) and Gummo (my brother in law never thought the same of me after he watched it).

We should all watch Deliverance tonight in memory of Burt Reynolds. Its my favorite of his and his proudest work. Or Boogie Nights, his Oscar nomination. Once the world’s biggest box office star, the guy worked right up to his 82nd year. Gotta love him.

Dinner tonight was at Livery in South Bend. They have a Great Mahi Mahi taco in a beautiful new location. They are just open a week and a half. Nice buzz.

My relevant random song today:  “Cars” – Gary Numan.

Can anyone tell me what Quaker Steak and Lube are? Does one go there for a Beef Rub? I keep seeing these signs.

Today’s Tally:
Hotel $85
Dinner: $33
Merry-Go-Round Museum: $6
Christmassy Things from Merry-Go-Round Store: $26

Let me start with a confession. I thought the  Wi-Fi password of “Garfield” last night at the hotel was because some manager thinks that annoying cat is cute. Turns out some President’s National Historic Site is in Mentor.

The day started with the breakfast buffet. Those are always such bleak gatherings: Limp coffee, mediocre eggs, cranky people (me). No more.

Because I learned that Willoughby, a town close by Mentor, was the feature in the classic episode of The Twilight Zone – A Stop at Willoughby – I watched it last night on Netflix and drove there today. I will say the poor lead actor looked a bit long in the tooth for a supposed 36 year old and he seemed a bit young for a midlife crises. The wife looked like she’d been around the block a few times too. Saying all that, TTZ are still without compare. They remain seminal, spooky, smart and repeatedly watchable…..

….. Anyway, I took a walk around Willoughby today. It’s got a grand little historic area with quaint restaurants, coffee shops, bars and knick-knack stores.

I stopped in at Fiona’s, a bright, comfortable coffee spot and got chatting with the proprietors, Megan and Shamus. Great coffee. It turned out that their family, the Coynes and Mores, hail from County Mayo. Their family also owns The Wild Goose, The Morehouse and a Funeral Home in Willoughby. So if you want to get drunk, eat well or perhaps bury someone in Ohio, these are the guys to know.

From there I went on to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. I found the 2nd and 3rd floors far more appealing than the main exhibit on the basement level. Too many flamboyantly dressed dummy’s in the shadows down there. They gave me the willies (lifelong phobias). Glad I did it once though. Fantastic gift store and I needed more rock tees and crap for my office.

Because I had the avoid highways option set on Google Maps today, and needed to go to Home Depot for a ratchet cable  (long story but a very butch project), I inadvertently got to see some of the more savory neighborhoods of Cleveland.

Then 45 miles along the perimeter of Lake Erie to get to Sandusky. And here I am now. I made one stop in Huntington Park on the drive to see the beach and get full lake view.

I’m staying at Hotel Kilbourne in Sandusky tonight – a small, central boutique with a waterfront rooftop bar.

A good friend, wise in the ways of SNL, tells me Tommy Boy was set here. As a complete movie snob, I have never seen it. Now that I have been to Sandusky, I will still never see it.

Today’s Tally:
Gas: $48
Hotel Kilbourne booked on Hotel Tonight $121 (score)
R&RHOF ticket $26
R&RHOF Necessary Souvenirs $42
Dinner at Daly’s Pub – Cheesesteak and Soda: $9.60 … the only place open at 9PM I could find.

I need to shorten my posts.

Sandusky

R&RHOF

Lake Erie

Three States Traversed Today. Try saying that with a brogue .

I put 540 miles on the dial Tuesday, to get a quick westward spurt.

I’m in Mentor, Ohio – ranked 37th best town to live in the United States . I arrived in the dark so hard to tell yet.

There was lots of foostering with the radio today. Lots of New Wave & Euro Trash. The most appropriate song for today’s trip : “Road To Nowhere” – Talking Heads. It was a long one. I90W all the way.

On the Audio book front, I was 10 minutes in to GOT before I threw it in. The narrators characterizations sounded Monty Python sketch like. I quit before I heard Jamie Lannister in full Spam-Spam-Spam-Spam mode. No way I was dealing with 40 hours of that.

I did binge all five episodes of The Making of a Massacre on Audible (non fiction ). Topical and very good but not for the squeamish.

As I got in a bit late to the hotel, the Concierge recommended BJs. Where initially I was a little disappointed to realize a restaurant was under discussion – the bacon guacamole burger there was very good, as was the coffee. The staff there were all delightful and I got some great recommendations for Mentor.

Audrey, Jessica & Regina Welcome me to Mentor First Stop!

Not in Mentor – but it amused me.

OfficeMaxed Out Mentor

Toothpicks!

Keeping track of costs, just for shits and giggles:

• Gas $54
• Best Western Plus Lawmfield Inn with brekkie $113 (My first Hotels.com last minute booking a success!)
• Dinner at BJs: $13 pre-tip!

For the record, I am not the Jack Reacher of cross country travel.  This will not be the journey of a man with a toothbrush in his back pocket, one pair of jeans, a tee shirt and a debit card. Do we even know what Reacher does on the undies front?

My big maroon Escalade will be overstocked with clothes, books and sundries.

Digital Camera

Digital Camera

Digital Camera

Here’s My Travel Inventory:

• One 2006 Escalade – Maroon. It’s big – I’m loading it.
• Enough socks and knickers for a month. I want to do laundry once only on this trip. Never if possible.
• Way too many shoes, belts and boots. Will I finally get to wear those 6 year old shit-kickers in Nashville?
• 30+ concert and film t-shirts. These are always good for starting conversations. What Missourian doesn’t love Pet Shop Boys?
• Some gym clothes (I’ve great intentions).
• A dozen dress shirts and a dozen pair of trousers/jeans/shorts.
• A few hoodies, sweatshirts and jumpers.
• A Big wash bag – including my Kiehls, Art of Shaving and BVLGARI products. The road can be hard on a man’s skin.
• An online purchased grooming kit that seems to deal with some functions I never want to touch. I’m not sticking that in there.
• A few jackets / dressy to knock around.
• Assorted Baseball caps – Depeche Mode; ELO; Foo Fighters; AC/DC – five panel of course.
• IPhone; iPad; Laptop; portable Bluetooth player and a truck load of chargers and cables. I have loaded every Hotel booking app known to man; Podcasts; Audible; Amazon Music; the first Game of Throne book. It’s 40 hours long. Holy God!
• A couple of Michelin Road maps and road atlas I cannot follow. I had no idea Alaska was so close to Hawaii.
• A yellow submarine notebook.
• 200 CDs – for those dead zones
• 2 dozen books – the paper kind – I’m old school. Nothing too taxing for the road. Will I finally read Dune?
• A  couple of throw blankets. I’ve had visions of Jack at the end of The Shining.
• Two flashlights; a plastic skull for the dashboard and a POW/MIA cap. Some Texan friends gifted these as a form of local road protection.
• Malaria tablets; penicillin; morphine; Cyanide tablet embedded in false tooth filling and Advil.

153,681 on the milometer thing.
Departing Ancram, NY Tuesday September 4^th. First Destination Mentor, Ohio.

My obvious driving song to kick it all off:  “Behind the Wheel” – Depeche Mode.
Who cares if it’s about sexual dominance?

Let the games begin.